Putting Children First: A Guide For Parents Breaking Up

This soft cover handbook is an extremely well thought overview of the issues that separating parents need to address conceptually and practically in planning and implementing as atraumatic an experience for their children as possible. It is not too detailed, prioritizes the issues in a logical fashion, and is organized to allow the reader the freedom to choose those sections that are most relevant to their own circumstances. Part I overviews the experience from the perspective of each parent, the child, and its implications on the specific manner in which the process would ideally unfold, highlighting the errors and attitudinal inclinations that are harmful to children and common to many separating parents. In italics, it provides clinical vignettes illustrating the points being made, while following these discussions with summarized succinct “boxes” that capture the essence being expressed. This permits the reader to highlight, while reading or with pen or pencil, the most salient and personally relevant passages. Part 2 addresses the more problematic issues that can arise in the complicated and conflicted separations, again providing both the parents’ and the child’s perspectives on these intense situations and their age-specific norms and patterns. This section includes the solutions parents can apply in their own attitudes, and questionnaires to help parents elicit these attitudes. Part 3 is a more detailed discussion about the assessment process when the courts are involved and addresses specialized issues that require unique discussion-the absent parent, spousal abuse, supervised access and sexual abuse allegations. The discussions are sufficient for the scope of a book of this type and the authors provide resources (names of contact groups, phone numbers in the Toronto area) for use by the reader. The main drawback of this book lies not in the book but more in how its usefulness could be extended and a more contemporary direction could be provided for the reader. Since this review was written six years after publication, any revision underway may already include the following comments. First, I would suggest the addition of useful web sites to the resources section. Second, the book would be ideal as an audio-tape or a CD to be listened to by the parent during their daily routine, as the writing style and content lends itself to an easy understanding of the concepts and rapid retention of their relevance. The book would, in such circumstances, ideally come with a CD or audiotape in a pocket of the cover or be available in both formats (written and audio). The biggest problem most separating parents have is finding the time to sit down and read. Alternate formats would facilitate learning the ideas easily and quickly so they might be applied as the parents suffer through the experience with their children – the time that most of these books tend to be purchased in the first place. Rare is the parent or parents who are able to plan the unfolding of their separation and such a book is most relevant when it can be used by those unable to plan. A variety of formats would make that more likely and thus bring even greater benefits for children in such circumstances. This book is not intended to be, and should not be seen as, the final word on how to handle the multiplicity of details related to separation and divorce as it impacts on kids. The comprehensive tomes by Dr. Richard Gardner and others have extensively addressed many of those details, as have other writers on separation and divorce since his groundbreaking approaches were written almost two decades ago. What this handbook does do, very well, is introduce parents to the most important ideas they need to keep central in their thinking and planning as they struggle with the adjustments to separation. It helps parents proceed with a focus on minimizing trauma to their kids when their minds are dominated by the trauma they themselves are experiencing. In that respect, it is the ideal gift to give to a friend or family member you know going through this difficult life transition. I would strongly recommend its use in such circumstances by both the participant in and the observer of these difficult situations. Reading this will go a long way to help all those around children whose parents are separating better understand how to be helpful to them in their pain, as well as empower the parents themselves at this trying time of their life.

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